I am not a smelly individual.
I wear deodorant.
Keep reading.
At least I don't think I'm a smelly individual.
If you're my friend and you think I smell, tell me now.
I don't want to be living a lie.
I have become close friends with the elliptical in my gym. It's the only way I can accomplish exercising for an hour AND catching up on my Law & Order obsession all at once.
There are two people that I usually see when I work out, but until the other day, I never saw them at the same time.
One is a nice-looking gentleman. I am not a lustful hussy, but he is of a bearded nature, and that is attractive. He also does not sweat....he just glows a lot.
The other is an older gentleman. I will not go into detail. If you know him, do not speak of this to him nor mention his name at any point of time on this blog or in any aspect of your life. He is a straight-up "I am on crystal meth" ellipter. He goes to town on that thing. I perspire normally just because he is making me physically exhausted watching him go like an extreme skiier on that machine.
This man has an odor. I noticed it the first time he worked out. Not when he enters....he smells just fine. It's the dew emitted from his skin. As he slowly starts to dehydrate his body of any and all fluids he could contain, I can smell it. Everyone can. If an iguana ate a family of stinkbugs and a bowl of cottage cheese and then was left for dead on a hot summer sidewalk for eighteen months, it might have a similar scent. I have dry-heaved.
Since I had never worked out with these two at the same time, I am fairly certain that by what I am about to tell you, they had not worked out together either.
I was in the middle elliptical....learning all about the legal system and how to be very dramatic at certain pauses in conversation.....when bearded man walks up.
Well hello there.
He begins doing the same thing to my right, probably watching some manly channel or QVC. Then the older man comes in.
No big deal.
He goes right to it. Well, to my left. Right to it.
Right to it.
The sweat followed quickly.
The smell, yeah, it was there.
Then, the worst thing.
Bearded guy looks over at me in disgust. Wha....no. No sir. Not I.
I kind of side-looked at him so as not to catch the attention of the kind old soul to the left of me. Dude, no, I spray Febreze on e'erday before coming into this place.
His face gets worse. He scrunches more. Why is he doing that? Stop doing that.
Then I do the head point. You know, where you move your eyes and your head just a little towards the person you're trying to pin out. I mouthed "NOT ME"....but bearded man is not easily convinced. I guess common sense doesn't filter it's way through the facial tarp...oh geez.
Then....five minutes into his workout, he gets off, grabs his stuff, and just straight up leaves the building. I look over at Old Faithful and he smiles at me, ignorantly happy about destroying my nasal reputation.
I mean, come on! I finished my work out. This nice human didn't even realize what was happening, and I will never tell him.
How many times do people mistake us for what we're standing next to? I thought about negativity. You can be the most positive person I've ever met, but if you're spending time with someone who is selfish or negative, chances are, people are going to start to think it's you they're smelling.
Keep a Febreze odor in your life. I struggle with negativity in my own mind quite a bit. It's a tough thing to conquer. But if you're hanging around the right people with the right scent....you're gonna be just fine.
