Johnny Depth.

"DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO. I DO WHAT I WANT."

:cue eyeroll:

This continual cycle of stubborn independence has run its course throughout my marriage, with my husband telling me to take a Tylenol for my headache, or to take a breather and sit down while Tasmanian deviling my house with Windex and a Swiffer, or to stay in bed and rest a few more minutes before I start my day. He is met with a petulant infant woman-child (me) taking a stance in favor of being in control of her own destiny and not listening to anything anyone tells her ever.

I blame my strict Christian upbringing for this attitude, and the fact that I didn't sow many wild oats, so my husband is left now to reap the glorious benefits of my new onset mid-life crisis rebellion.



I have never truly cared for recommendations or rules, though deep down we all know they're usually for the best.

I went on a cruise several years ago. Best days. Long days. Sunny days. Seafood. So much seafood. All the seafood. A soda on every corner. Philly Cheesesteaks at 2 a.m.

Basically the "I do what I want when I want" person's dream.

Unless you do an excursion.

I snorkeled.

Snorked? Went snorking? Snorkeling? Snorkeling. There it is.

I did that.

We were given snorkeling equipment, a large area of water that was connected to our private beach, and instructed that we could snorkel old shipwrecks and abandoned antiques left to remain in their shallow watery grave, which was totally staged by the genius creators of the Royal Caribbean Snorkeling Embassy.

I don't trust staged shipwrecks.

"Now, you are able to cross the reef into the abyss of the ocean, but we must tell you that we do not recommend this, as when you do, you are no longer under our protection- Royal Caribbean is no longer held liable, and you are responsible for your own safety. So again, we would not recommend this."

BEHOLD! You caught my attention. All of a sudden, crossing that reef sounded like the very best thing that this young gal could do in CocoCay Bay.

I checked out the shipwreck. Great. The two year old swimming with me enjoyed it as well. Too juvenile.

I checked out the old antiques. There was a Seal Team of Red Hat Ladies already there. I don't need that type of Crimson in my life.

Then.

I looked to my left.

And there it was, the darkness before me. Across the scaly reef wall was a pure void of unknown waters. I was just half a football field away from Ariel, Sebastian, Flounder, and King Triton. Praise the Lord for His bountiful blessings.

I glided over the reef partition. Breathe McBee, Breathe. My heart seemed like it was beating faster, but I was certain that this was simply due to the fact that I was about to experience a saltwater epiphany.

Closer......closer.....you're almost over this barrier of coral aaaaaaaand.....

Pitch black.

Turn to the left.

Pitch black.

Turn to the right.

Pitch black.

Now back to the reef, I can see the snorkelers swimming.

Now back to the front.

Pitch black.

I lay floating in an inky cave of nothing.

It.

Was.

Terrifying.

I hyperventilated immediately.

This was a TERRIBLE decision.

I began taking in gulps of air and water too quickly as I flapped-ironically like a fish on land-and awkwardly stumbled, with extremities convulsing, back over the reef and into the safety of the shallow water.

I can't believe I'm alive today.

While this was just one soft example of my hard-headedness, it reveals a hidden truth. I am consistently bored with the "shallow part" of my life, but I am terrified when it reveals any depth, any unknown.

I have always been bored with friendships that simply exist based on "How are you doing?" Great, you?" Great! Let's go get coffee" and that lack the luster of true life, with its hardship, awesomeness, discouragement, encouragements, and devastation. Don't get me wrong, I love coffee, and I love friends, but I am also guilty of straying from sharing my struggles with those I am closest with, in an effort to maintain my "Facebook profile life," where the truth of hurts I've experienced and hopes I've held onto remain in the abyss of an area I am sometimes too scared to travel to, as they are no longer under the confines of the perfection of Facebook and leave me liable to honesty and sharing heartaches.

Please take the opportunity the next time you are speaking with a family member, sharing with your partner, or sitting with a friend, to take your relationship to a deeper level of connection and share the things you keep pushing back on. Hopefully you won't hyperventilate...but instead you will see the good things that await when you push into the depth.